3 Reasons Why I’m Happy about Having Fewer Friends
Everyone is happy when they get a new phone. I was happy too — but for a different reason than most.
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When I was in high school, most of my day was spent on electronics. I wasn’t isolating myself, though — I was usually messaging a friend. I went to great lengths to keep in touch with friends from the US, Europe, Australia, etc. I would text them, message them on Facebook, or send Snapchats. And I’d do the same with friends from school.
It wasn’t too difficult for me to keep up. I had found it possible to get through school without spending every minute studying (though now I suppose I probably could have studied a bit harder), and I liked my friends! That last bit may seem obvious — I mean, who doesn’t like their friends? That wouldn’t really make sense, would it?
I had a handful of really close friends who I saw every day at school, and occasionally outside of school. I didn’t go to too many parties, but I started to spend more time with friends on the weekends when I got into grade 12.
When I went to university at the University of Western Ontario my workload started to pick up, and I noticed something interesting. I wasn’t talking to nearly as many people, and I had already significantly — but not completely — fallen out of touch with some good friends.
This could have been for a number of reasons, and originally, I had attributed it to me. I mean, I was spending more time studying, I was trying to make new friends on my floor (incidentally I’m glad I did, since some of them have been some of my closest friends since then), and I was trying to use my phone less.
But as time passed, I would go on to fall out of touch altogether with people who I had considered to be quite good friends. That wouldn’t happen just from being slightly busier, would it? One hears all the time about how when you grow older, you have fewer and fewer close friends. And sure, I expected that to happen to me. But so quickly? In a matter of months?
Over the next few years, I developed a great set of friends and largely forgot about this small loss of friends. Until just after I graduated university, where it seemed to start all over again. People who I had used to see every day and talk to quite often — gone from my ‘recent’ messages. Sometimes they would just stop responding mid-conversation. In most cases I could even see when they read the messages! I started to think that maybe I had done something very wrong.
Am I just unpleasant? Am I not a good friend? Have I fallen off the track and stopped trying to maintain my relationships? Am I not as funny as I think I am? No — definitely not that last one. Couldn’t be. Who doesn’t love a good dad joke or two, or 10??
For me, the turning point was getting a new phone a few months ago. I had messaged a chunk of friends individually on Facebook, saying that I had lost my contacts, and asked them to shoot me a text. Some did. Most didn’t.
That’s what caused me to take a look at who I spend my time talking to, caring about, and hanging out with. I now spend my time talking to and hanging out with a handful of people I’d consider to be my best friends, and a few others.
I quickly started to realize three very important traits that my best friends all shared. The first two worked in perfect balance; first, that their questions were out of legitimate curiosity and interest, while, second, their silence was golden. Third was that our relationship shared a great mix of give and take.
Silence is Golden
I had noticed this informally over the past couple of years, never putting too much emphasis on it. Whether it be watching a movie, or just sitting on the couch on phones or computers — truly good friends don’t feel the need to say anything. And nobody should feel the necessity to say something! If one of us wants to tell a funny (or as I like to preface it, ‘chuckle-worthy’) story, or bring up something that they just read online, we’ll get around to it.
With those who are more akin to acquaintances, there feels the need to keep constant conversation — I’d imagine in fear of seeming dull, or letting that awkward silence settle in. “There’s nothing worse than an awkward silence, so I’m going to talk out of my ass to someone who probably doesn’t care just to avoid that” is probably a pretty common thought! Even though it’s probably not consciously framed like that in our heads… That’s what it feels like to me.
I suppose one could argue and say, “But Geoff, extending an olive branch and starting those awkward conversations are how you build friendships!”, but there’s just something about that notion that I don’t fully buy into. Why do I feel that way? It may be anecdotal (then again, this whole article kind of is), but it’s because I cannot think of a single close friendship of mine that was formed from an initial awkward conversation.
To give an example, I’ll introduce one of my best friends, Sam. We were recently trying to remember when it was exactly that we became so close. Neither of us could remember a particular time in first year when we went from friends to best friends — there were no forced conversations that we could think of that slowly brought us closer together. The only thing that we could both agree on was that we were friends in first year, parted ways for the summer, and then spent almost every moment of second year together starting on day one. I don’t know if we’ll ever remember what triggered us becoming so close — but if I had to guess at a few reasons, these would be them; we were in similar classes. I looked up to and admired Sam. Still do. We had (have) a similar sense of humour. We worked on cool projects together and studied together… There are a few more cases like Sam.
I’ve got my best friends from school, who I either met in classes (where we worked together on assignments and studied for exams), on sports teams, or while living together. Then I’ve got my best friends who I met at summer camp, who I bonded with over playing sports, canoeing, and inherently similar interests. Not a single forced interaction to get things started. This could be in part due to the fact that we shared some major experiences with each other as time went on, but ultimately, I think it’s because of the specific environments where we met. They were either exciting or challenging — and that’s what made us connect right away or naturally, over time.
While I say that silence is golden, it’s not to say that I just want my friends to stay quiet around me! I also appreciate it when they ask questions and show interest in my life.
Their Questions Showed Curiosity
Another trait that my closest friends shared — they asked me lots of questions. More than just the typical “how are you?” or “how’ve you been?” (it’s like people saying “we should hangout this summer…” it’s something people often say but rarely mean!).
My friends asked me questions about my courses, what I was learning and what I was looking forward to most. They asked me how my shoulder rehab was going (having essentially torn one 5 years ago, and severely injured the other a couple years later). They asked me about my (non-existent) love life. They asked me about real things that they knew mattered to me.
And then they listened. And replied.
They didn’t just say “oh, cool”. They gave thoughtful replies that showed that they cared and would tie in details from the last conversation we had. Some of the times I feel most lucky to have such great friends are not when they do nice things for me, but when they remember small tidbits of conversations we had months ago! To me, that is a true mark of a great person and friend.
On the flip side, I realized that I also asked questions about them and their life. I found myself subconsciously showing the same tendencies that I valued so much. I didn’t do it on purpose, but I found myself remembering seemingly small details of seemingly small conversations that I had with close friends.
If it were just one way or the other — either me asking the questions, or me getting asked — I don’t think the friendship would seem as genuine to me. There needs to be that give and take.
They’re Givers, not Takers (two vs one sided relationships)
That brings me to the last trait I noticed. My best and closest friends were both Givers and Takers. Neither was one or the other. Those in my life that I found to be only Takers, I have purged (for the most part). As I write this, I can’t think of any friends of mine who are just Givers. But maybe that’s just because all of them have figured this all out before me and have stopped giving. Who knows.
Back in high school, I was what one would call a Giver. All the time I took to message my friends was in an attempt to stay up to date with their lives, but quite often, this built up the idea in my mind that I had a real friend in someone, when in fact I did not.
A few examples come to mind, but I’ll give one in particular (I’ll omit the name, even though I can’t imagine he’d end up reading this):
When I was younger, I had a couple of people who I called my best friends. One of them I met at elementary school. Let’s call him Johnny. We were practically inseparable. I went over to Johnny’s house all the time, and Johnny came over to mine. We were, so I thought, best friends. When we went to different schools, we lost touch for a while. I would consistently text Johnny and get no response. I didn’t think anything of it. Until one day, when I was in high school, I texted him again. I hadn’t seen him or talked to him in a year. He replied saying he had gotten a new phone and asked who I was. I replied saying it was me… No answer.
I have only seen Johnny a few times in the past 10 years, and even though he has been nice and friendly to me each time, I no longer tell people we are friends.
Why?
If it wasn’t clear from the above paragraph, he took and never gave. I started all the conversations, or at least I tried to. He never respected me as a friend (or even really, as a person). He helped me realize that maybe there were some others in my life who I needed to think about in the same way.
My best friends now text me a decent amount or call me out of the blue just to say hi. I’m happy to say that I do the same. When we make plans, we stick to them. We aren’t late.
I say ‘we’, because it’s a two-way street. You give, and you take. Real friends do the same.
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If you’ve gotten to this point and have been thinking that everything I’ve thrown down on this page is common sense… You may be right! If you realized all of this before I did, kudos to you. Have you lived a happier life with a smaller group of better friends?
I certainly have.
Over the years, my phone contact list has shrunk from >200 to <80, and I probably only actively talk to <10 people. They all know about my life, and I know about theirs.
I save my time and energy for those who matter to me, and it seems as if I’m getting the same in return.
I have a handful of extremely close friends who both keep in touch and stay quiet (when there’s nothing to say), and who take interest in my life and share details about their own.
Two takeaways: A few close friends are better than a lot of acquaintances, and I couldn’t be happier with my new phone.
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